Ok so, when you sign up to create your very own blog, this particular site asks you a random question, the answer to which will be displayed in your profile, if you so desire. This was my question:
If you were a pirate, how would you avoid laughing when saying "poop deck"?
Fortunately, the site is more than happy to generate another question, should its original, seemingly random choice be not to your liking. I was torn when I saw this one. Surely the author of the query had a hearty chuckle to himself as it emerged from the quagmire of comedic sophistication that no doubt clogs the inner workings. I, however, said something to the effect of the title of this post.
Actually, that is not entirely true. I am somewhat glad this question was posed, and even more so because they offered a mere 150 characters for a response. My acceptance of the question originates from the admittance that I must confront an irrational hatred of a certain bit of vernacular, which, to my increasing ire, is used quite commonly. You'll see why I thought the size restriction of the answer was humorous as well, and why people like me need blogs.
So...how would I, were I a pirate and came upon an instance where the phrase "poop deck" was poised upon my salty, sea-air-chapped lips, avoid a mirthful outburst?
I would love to provide a smart-alec answer such as, "I'd simply remember how me daddy, First Mate Smythee McGeeman the Seaman, slipped on a bit of 'poop deck debris' and fell straight into the ocean where he became shark hors d'ouvres... Arrr!" Alas, there is something more sinister at work here preventing me from taking that simple route.
My real answer is that I would never have to come up with a way to avoid laughing because I wouldn't find it funny. In fact, I would probably avoid saying the phrase "poop deck" altogether, whatever inconvenience that might cause the rest of the crew. You see, the simple fact is that I despise the word "poop". And no, it is not because of what it represents; I have no problem with the word sh*t (and I only semi-censor it out of respect for those who do). It is just that particular assemblage of phonemes is like the scraping of fingernails across the linguistic chalkboard of my soul. I don't mind the word hoop. I find the word peep quite pleasant, quaint even. "Poop", however... See? I can't even write it without prophylactic quotations.
Anyhow, more about stupid questions. There are some who say there are no such things. There are yet others who follow that up with, "only stupid people." I am less inclined to agree with the former unless it is further clarified by the latter.
Now, I don't want to come off as a jerk, looking down my nose at everyone because I feel they are intellectually inferior. Really, I am hard pressed to call another human being stupid, no matter how frustrated I may get because he can't see something that seems obvious to me. So, in lieu of insulting all who happen to make the mistake of uttering an interrogative that embarrasses even them, let us all simply admit that there are indeed stupid questions.
Good. Now that we've taken this very therapeutic step towards recovering from this happy-shiny-there-are-no-stupid-questions stigma, let's identify some common types of genuinely idiotic queries so that we can recognize them in the future and separate them from the truly important inquiries that deserve answers.
There are generally two major classifications of stupid question, they are the hypothetical and the rhetorical. It should be pretty clear that the majority of stupid questions are rhetorical. After all, in most cases, why would you ask a question of someone that you did not expect her to answer (like this one)? Here are some examples:
1. "Are you ok?" (asked after the recipient has been injured in some way) - This is a fairly common one, and is generally only stupid when it invokes the ire of its victim. Human body language is usually pretty forthcoming when it comes to discomfort or pain. In general, it is this body language that triggers the question. Since the idiocy of this question is extremely variable, it should be used sparingly. A better question might be, "Will you be ok?" Any such questions should be avoided in the event of bleeding, convulsions, etc, until such occurrence of clearly "not being okay" subsides.
2. "Is it cold enough for ya?" (asked in an attempt to be humorous) - Unless you are fairly confident in your comedic talent, humorous rhetorical questions should be skipped. I know I am hardly the first person to point this example out, so I will not explain further. As a side note, though, if I ever hear that question directed at me, I will take my most convenient, dead, frostbitten limb and use it to beat the holy hell out of the jackass who thought asking that would be funnier than, say, getting me a blanket and turning up the heat so I could get the feeling back into my extremities, have some cocoa and trade anecdotes with him.
3. "How stupid do you think I am?" - Never ask a question that you will immediately follow up with, "Uh, don't answer that." Someone might hand you a sign.
Hypothetical questions are a bit trickier. A lot of times we ask them because we're seeking advice, but sometimes they're purpose isn't so noble. For example:
"If you were a hot dog, and you were starvin', would you eat yourself?"
Or...
"If you had a choice between bein' the top scientist in your field and gettin' mad cow disease, which would you choose?"
Of course, those examples were given because they were particularly amusing in their original context, but we've all heard similar queries, posed to presumably make us think or to elicit a response that will reveal something about our psyche. The question that prompted this post was one of this type. Some of these of questions are effective, just keep in mind that when a person has to choose between two undesirable options in the real world, she will typically select the third. And that is good advice.
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