More on Determinism...

So, I recently read A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking. Given my interests, it's surprising it's taken me this long to get around to reading it. I have to say that I'm sorry I didn't read it sooner. It's quite fascinating, if a bit over my head at times. It's amazing to me how counter-intuitive physics becomes when you break it down to the quantum level or try to stretch it back to the beginning of time. It's even more amazing that we've managed to figure out any of the parts beyond Newtonian physics, which is, relatively speaking, pretty easy to observe.

I can't imagine the internal conflict for the first physicists to investigate these advanced concepts. Bohr, Schrödinger, Einstein, just to name a few, must have been stunned by the things they discovered. Indeed, Einstein's objections to some of the conclusions he and his colleagues were coming to are well documented. I'm reminded somewhat of Darwin's inner struggle with the reality he observed with evolution and natural selection versus what his lifelong faith told him about the origin of species.

Most interesting, though, is what these researches discovered about what we don't know and, indeed, perhaps can never know. The most significant of these, in my opinion, is Werner Heisenberg’s formulation of the uncertainty principle. I have to admit, this is one of those things that kind of goes over my head. I'm sure if I were a better mathematician, I might "get it" a bit more, but I'm not, so I don't.

I understand only the most basic concepts that come from uncertainty. Let me sum it up in my own words. Uncertainty basically tells us that there are certain variables that cannot be known to the same level of precision simultaneously. These variables seem to be somehow complementary to one another, or at least, the possible methods of measuring them seem to be complementary in such a fashion that the more precisely you know one, the less precisely you can know the other. For example, if you measure the position of some particle with high degree of precision, you will be unable to measure its momentum with much precision at all. Conversely, if you've measured its exact momentum, its position will be a mystery.

I've actually known this specific example of the uncertainty principle for quite some time, but I always thought that it was merely a matter of weakness in our measuring capabilities. According to Heisenberg's work, however, uncertainty is actually a feature of the universe. It wouldn't matter how advanced our instruments were, we could never measure these things simultaneously to the same level of precision.

I was thinking about this the other day, trying to figure out if I could come up with a macroscopic example that would demonstrate how this could possibly be true, and I think I came up with one. Please bear with me as I try to set it up...

Have you ever played Outburst? How about Password? In these games, and a few others, you have a card with some words written on them in light blue ink. Then, over the entire surface of the card, there are a bunch of small, randomly-shaped, and transparent red splotches. The purpose of this red pattern is to obscure the words written in blue so that they cannot be read at a glance. The only way to read them clearly is to insert the card into this little red plastic window that comes with the game. The clear red window cancels out the red on the card and the light blue ink of the words stand out as a dark purple.

Another example of this same concept is those old red and blue 3-D glasses. When I was a kid, I had this book with a bunch of drawings of dinosaurs in this blue and red ink. When you looked at it through the 3-D glasses, the dinosaurs seemed to jump off the page. I noticed that when I put the red eye of the glasses over a part of the drawing, the red lines would disappear. Similarly, when I put the blue eye of the glasses over the drawing, the blue lines would disappear.

Ok, going back to the Outburst example, say you wanted to read the words on the card as clearly as you possibly could. The best way to do that would be to slip the card into the red window. Now, say you wanted to see the random red splotches as clearly as you could. To do that, you'd put the card into a blue window. Now, it is true that green would contrast best with the red splotches, but you would still barely be able to see the word in blue ink, which might interfere with how well you were able to see the detailed shape of the red splotches over that word.

So, what if you wanted to be able to see both the words and the red splotches in the best detail possible simultaneously? One might suppose that a purple window might work, but probably not very well. I doubt you could see either the blue or the red ink any better than you could in regular light. Even if it was better, it still wouldn't be as good as seeing either one color or the other in the windows specifically designed to cancel out the color you wanted it to.

Wow, are you still with me?

So, translating this example to uncertainty, the words in blue ink represent a particle's position and the red splotches represent its momentum. To know its position with a high degree of precision, you have to put it in the red window. For its momentum, the blue window is best. There exists no window, however, that would reveal both simultaneously as nicely as the red and blue windows reveal the blue and red ink respectively.

Well, how do you like that? I've just reduced one of the most puzzling (to me) aspects of quantum physics to the simple pieces of a family game. Though I admit, this may just as well describe a lack of understanding as it does the basic concept of uncertainty. I'd be curious to know what a physicist thinks of it.

Ok, so what the hell does this have to do with determinism? Well, when I first read that uncertainty was "built in" to the universe and is something we are not likely to be able to overcome, my whole idea of a deterministic universe started crashing around me. Now, keep in mind that I was sleepily reading this on a flight to L.A., so my brain wasn't at its peak. What I later realized was that it still doesn't necessarily rule out determinism. All it does is solidify the idea that the universe is ultimately unpredictable. Uncertainty assures that we will never have all the information necessary to propagate the laws of physics out theoretically to some future moment.

In my last post about determinism, I hypothesized about a computer that was powerful enough to hold all the information and perform all the calculations necessary to predict the future. I reasoned that such a computer could not be built because it would require infinite resources. Thinking about it now, I realize I may have been wrong about not only the reason it was impossible, but also its requirements. The reason it would be impossible is because uncertainty guarantees that we will never have all the information necessary to load into the computer. So, even if we had infinite memory, we wouldn't be able to fill it with the necessary information to perform our calculations.

Which brings me to its requirements. Would it really need infinite memory? My reasoning was that such a computer would have to include a simulation of itself resident in memory, which would set up an infinitely recursive situation. If we're talking about building a computer in the sense of a modern-day computer, that might not be far off. In A Brief History of Time, Hawking talks about the laws of thermodynamics and entropy. He says that in the process of storing data in memory or processing that data, a computer generates heat, which increases the overall entropy in the universe by a much higher degree than the order that is created by the memory storage or processing. So, my future-gazing computer would have to at least include in its simulation the amount of heat it outputs into the universe, which would require more memory and processing, which would increase the heat further...etc.

But, let's say we don't build the computer like a modern-day computer. Instead, we'll let the universe run the simulation itself. Or, at least, we'll have half the universe run the simulation. So, let's ignore uncertainty for a moment. All we have to do is freeze time and build a huge partition that splits the universe exactly in half and prevents any energy transfer between the two. Then, we arrange every particle in one half in exactly the same position as the particles in the other half. Once that's done, we use the laws of physics to manipulate one half as it will appear at some arbitrary point in the future. Now the only thing left is to start up time again. If you want to know what's going to happen in the future of the one half, you just have to look at the other half. Simple, no?

Actually, it's not simple. In fact, it's ridiculous. You have to throw out so many physical laws to accomplish this, in the end you're just dealing with fantasy. Ignore uncertainty? Freeze time? Build a perfect barrier between two halves of the universe? Even if you could do these things, what do you then do to calculate out the future of each particle in the half that's going to be your future universe? You can't use a computer, because that's what you're building. It's the whole reason for this insane project! The only option that leaves is to do it by hand or incrementally using weaker computers. Even so, if you could freeze time, you could take the preposterously ponderous amount of time required to calculate the future incrementally using your weaker computers.

I could go on, but it doesn't serve my point, which is that even if the universe is deterministic, which I believe it to be, it may as well not be. Daunting does not even begin to describe the most trivial of steps in calculating the exact future of the universe, and that's even ignoring uncertainty. Throw uncertainty into the picture and your nearly infinitely difficult task literally becomes impossible.

Now, let me propose a thought experiment to you. I'm not sure what conclusions you might draw from it, but I think its purpose is more to evaluate how you think about time (and time travel) than to determine whether or not the universe is deterministic. However, if any definite conclusions could be reached with this experiment, they might have some interesting implications about determinism. So, here goes:

Suppose I approached you and asked you at some specific moment to choose a random number between 1 and 100. If there are truly random events in the universe and human free will is a consequence of that randomness, then there is a 1 in 100 chance that you will pick a particular number within that range, regardless of any events that occurred in all of the universe's history before I asked you to choose.

Now, suppose at some arbitrary point in the future I traveled back in time to a point before I asked you to choose a number and, taking the place of my past self, I approach you at the same moment I did previously and ask you in exactly the same way to choose a random number between 1 and 100. Again, we are assuming that there are truly random events and our free will is a consequence of them. It shouldn't matter, then, that this already happened in the past I know. There should still be a 1 in 100 chance that you will pick a specific number in that range, which means that the number you choose this time might not be the same as the number you chose last time.

Think about how time travel is represented in science fiction. Does this thought experiment agree with that representation? Consider the hypothetical "what if you could go back and kill Hitler?" question. Well, what if you went back far enough that enough events that depended upon the random elements of a non-deterministic universe played out differently and maybe Hitler wasn't even born, or maybe he made different decisions that led to a different history than the one we know? In this hypothetical universe where random events truly happen and have noticeable effects, you wouldn't necessarily have to do anything to stop Hitler. It might just work out that Hitler never ends up doing what he did in our history, if he even exists at all.

There is, of course, one minor kink in this experiment. If the universe is deterministic, then the amount of entropy you inject into the past universe by arriving there via time travel might have a significant effect on future events as well. Just by being there, the energy your body gives off as it metabolizes calories might change how history plays out. Unless you can figure out how to travel to the past without adding more entropy to the past universe, you'd never be able to completely rely upon your observations to prove randomness. But to talk about figuring out how to prevent contamination of your experiment while traveling to the past, you have to figure out how to travel to the past in the first place.

Ultimately, we're no further along in figuring out whether or not the universe is deterministic. I still believe that it is, but I also still believe that it doesn't matter. And it seems like the more we know, the more we're starting to understand that we'll never know it all. We may end up knowing a lot of it, but some things in the universe will still remain a mystery. I'm ok with that.

* * * * *

The Visitor of the Beast!

I would like to congratulate the visitor from Willis, Texas who visited my blog on September twenty-ninth, this year of our Lord two-thousand and eight. You are visitor number six-hundred and sixty-six. You viewed the blog, in all its glory, through Microsoft Internet Explorer 7.0 rendered at a resolution of 1280 x 800 on your widescreen monitor. It seems rather poignant that you clicked in through google.com with a serch term of "biblical good vs evil pictures", for I'm sure that this visit is an omen of the imminent apocalypse. It is my hope that you are one of the relatively few who are bodily taken up to the glories of god's kingdom. I, unfortunately, will probably be stuck down here. I'll try to wave to you.


Revelation 13:18 (KJV)

Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.

Get What you deserve...

This is really a random post. My intention is to provide those who are about to give up on coming here a tantalizing hint that I am, as I always insist, still alive and working. I suppose there will be a common theme, hence the title, but a cannot guarantee complete lucidity, so please bear with me.

So, what's been going on lately? Well, first of all, my retarded ass earned itself a speeding ticket the other day. Plus I didn't have my most recent insurance card, so I got a ticket for that. I'd like to say that I had a good reason for speeding, like the posted limit was lower than I thought it was (wich it was) or I was on my way to the emergency room (which I wasn't), but really, I was just pissed off at traffic. The second I found an opening, I got a little overzealous on the accelerator. The cop happened to be in the right place at the right time. I totally admit that I deserved to be pulled over.

On the other hand, I wish other things I deserved came to me so quickly. I specifically mean the good things. Did you ever notice how you can do magnificent things, or even just a really good job at something you do all the time, and no one will notice...but the minute you screw up, everyone is all too happy to point it out to you and chew you out. I know I'm hardly the first to notice, but it's a common lament for a reason. Just because something is cliché, doesn't mean it isn't true.

I don't want to give the impression that I believe the world owes me a living, because I know the parts I've had to play in my lack of success in life, but sometimes I think it's the ease with which people ignore my "good" work that discourages me. It's a major flaw of mine; I am easily discouraged. Unless, of course, I am really passionate about something.

Speaking of things I'm passionate about, I sent my manuscript out into the wild...hopefully it comes back with a hardcover and distribution. My friend Elgon mentioned that DAW Books takes open submissions, so I formatted the thing, printed it, shipped it, and now I'm waiting. It'll be another three or four months before I hear about it, so...

But, man, I really hope the universe sees this as one of those "good things" I deserve. I did work very hard on it, and I am completely willing to invest more time and energy to get it out there. Is it magnificent? Probably not. Is it really good? I hope the editor will think so. The only thing I can say about it for sure is that it is my vision and I love it. I want to spend my life expanding upon it and sharing it with as many people as are interested.

Modern Convenience

I figured I'd take a break from my lately typical political ramblings to talk about something else that pisses me off...namely my computer. There is nothing on this planet, and I mean nothing, that can more quickly get me frustrated than my computer. Nothing can ever be simple with this machine! I try to do something; it doesn't work. I try to fix it; something else doesn't work. Aaargh!

You know what really makes me angry about it, though? There is one thing that all my years of education and experience in the computer science field have taught me, and that is computers don't do anything you don't, at some point, tell them to do. Ok, yeah, if the power flickers while you're flashing the BIOS or the flasher program just freezes on its own, that's not necessarily your fault. But if you update one piece of software and install another after months of surfing the web without virus and/or spyware protection, guess what...that's your bad.

I want to be mad at my computer. I really do. It's easy to do. It's an inanimate object that won't get offended my projecting my own stupidity onto it. There's one problem, though. I can't just do that. When I know it's me...I know it's me. My conscious mind won't let me just pass the blame off on my dumb computer with its ineffable will and proven nefarious intent toward me. And that just make me madder.

Usually I just end up throwing up my hands and walking away. Well, I do that after I spend about an hour and a half yelling at the poor machine (okay, so I start off blaming it a little bit). Little by little I troubleshoot over a couple of days and either figure it out or end up doing a complete reinstall, which I hate to do, but it is my last resort solution.

Anyways, needless to say, I've been having some trouble lately. Whether it's with me or my computer, well...I'd have to say it's probably me. I just hate that my computer feels the need to constantly remind me why I am no better than any of the users who have come to me whining, "My computer doesn't work...piece of sh!t!" That's why I refuse to call tech support. It isn't that I think I couldn’t possibly have caused the problem or that it couldn't possibly be a problem I can't fix. It's that I know I did cause it and probably can't fix it without losing a lot of hair.

There you go. The reason we haven't figured out a cure for baldness is because we keep inventing things that are more efficient at making us rip our hair out. And before you ask, I am not bald...I have a full, thick head of hair. I'm just not sure how long it will last if my computer doesn't start doing what I want it to do instead of what I tell it to do.

E = mt$

Have you seen this new formula? It's apparently a breakthrough in energy cost analysis. Basically it states that as my energy needs are fulfilled, my rate of financial decrease approaches the speed of light.

Look, I know anyone and everyone is bitching about energy costs right now, especially as it pertains to refueling at the pump, but I can't help but join in. That's the beauty of the internet. You can rant uninterrupted, and those who want to listen can while those who don't go search for porn. Of course, some might say that's also the bad thing about the internet, but that's a discussion for another day.

There are a lot of things contributing to the cost of oil right now. The war (oh wait, isn't that over?), I mean the civil war in Iraq (what? there's no civil war), regulations placed on oil corporations (poor oil corporations), the quest for greater profits (ok, maybe not so poor), insane state and local taxes (Uncle Sam wants you...to grab your ankles), and our insatiable appetite for the slick, inky liquid. But it really is that last one that drives all the ones before it. If only there were some sort of lubricant, perhaps petroleum based, that Uncle Sam and the oil companies could use before raping us. K - Y? Because they like to.

If I went to the store to shop for, oh I don't know, say a DVD player, I could easily just raise an incredulous eyebrow and say, "They're crazy if they think I'm going to pay more than forty bucks for this!" Gas, on the other hand, is an entirely different story. The inconvenience of not having a car is so not worth it. I'd love to do my part in saving the environment and sticking it to the man, but it just doesn't seem feasible, financially and otherwise. So when I fill up at the pump and the total comes to over $40, all I can do is grumble and pay. It's like a utility bill...except this one I pay three or four times a month instead of once.

So now the question becomes, where's the top? How much can gas prices rise? Well, like a pubescent teen, the oil corporations will keep pushing and pushing until they find this capitalist society's limit. So, ultimately, the choice is ours...it's not much of a choice, though. Somebody needs to just hurry up and invent some kind of teleportation device. Preferably one that doesn't run on diamond-crusted platinum.

Happy St. Valentine's Day

Well, happy Valentine's Day all! Yes, once again it's our favorite commercial holiday, February 14th. The day we're supposed to run out and buy flowers and a teddy bear (or maybe just a teddy) at the last minute and try to squeeze our way into a packed restaurant that we didn't have the foresight to get a reservation for. As it turns out, Valentine's Day often ends up being an event that shows how thoughtless we are, rather than how thoughtful we are.

So, did you remember to get your sweetie something? If not, just keep these few points in mind. Unless your partner really likes roses and boxes of random chocolates, these gifts are passé. That said, it's not like you have to break the bank to show you care. Instead of roses, give a bouquet of flowers you know your honey will like. This not only shows that you know something about her (or him), but it's usually also the cheaper option. My wife really likes cherry cordials. So, instead of the heart-shaped box that, like the Nirvana song, doesn't always have the best stuff in it, I would spring for the box of cordials...of course, that does leave less chocolate for me, but oh well.

But listen; let's be real for a moment. Strip away all the commercial craziness of a day that seems to have become about romantic obligation, and what are you left with? The reason why people get so crazy on Feb 14 is because each of us in a relationship desires to know that the other is thinking of them. We know that it's fulfilling to know that someone loves you enough to set aside your own personal space in her (or his) mind. Knowing this, we want to show our lover that we do think of them, and we secretly (or sometimes not so secretly) hope that they want to do the same.

Valentine's Day, despite all the retail influence, is not about how much or even whether or not you spent money on your honey. It's about showing her (him) that you care enough to show how much your care. It's a day that reminds us to do those things we really should do every day despite the craziness of our daily lives. Maybe you'll think I'm just a silly, sentimental, sappy, romantic fool, but it makes my wife happy, and that makes me happy.

There's life in the ol' boy yet...

As much as I absolutely despise the concept, I'm putting up the token I'm-too-busy-to-write-a-real-post-but-I-want-to-reassure-the- three-people-who-at-one-time-regularly-visited-my-blog-that-I'm- still-alive-and-haven't-forgotten-about-them post. (Phew!) Anyhow, it's business as usual here. Still wrestling with my book, but I'm starting to think maybe I'm getting the upper hand. The only problem is that 'loving to make work for myself' thing. I'm working on an adventure for a tabletop role playing game I'm hosting. I'm working with my mom on her business site (link forthcoming). For some strange reason, I'm trying to learn a little bit of SDL (that's a graphics programming platform in c++ for those who don't know). Not to mention the host of half-started projects lying around here just waiting for my interest to rekindle. And somewhere in between all this I have to work a day job.

Oy!

Something Different

If I may be allowed a little hyperbole, Peter Jackson is a god. He creates worlds, characters, and situations that are real. Watch one of his films and you will suddenly find yourself in another place where the extraordinary and epic are commonplace. If you experience his work and do not come away inspired, I would take my muses in for a check-up if I were you.

So, what's with all the Jackson praise? Well, we just got back from seeing King Kong, and let me just say...wow. I know, I know, it's not like he actually wrote the original story. Nor did he for Lord of the Rings, but Peter Jackson's gift transcends such trifling details. He has a way of capturing the very essence of what makes a story special to us, distilling it, and adding a dash of his own personal flair, which culminates in a synergistic explosion of images that weaves pure artistry and emotion into our very souls.

All that said, would I go so far as to say Kong was perfect? Well, no, of course not, but the things that made it imperfect were the kinds of things that moviegoers can and will easily overlook. We can nitpick all we like, but if we were only to accept entertainment based upon its realism, our lives would be pretty boring.

The CG was amazing, but there were a few places where, like in LOTR, you could easily tell the difference between the real elements and the CG, especially when they were in frame together. It doesn't happen often, but I noticed a couple of times. Overall, I am still astounded by how far the envelope gets pushed every time with these special effects. Kong was truly majestic, and a very humble tip of the hat goes to Andy Serkis once again for his amazing physical acting. Without him, we would not be so convinced by characters like Kong and Gollum.

Aside from some of the inherent problems of a heavily CG film, the only other thing was that there were several times where I think many characters should have definitely died. I mean, it made for some really breathless action sequences, but these have to be the luckiest damn people ever. A lot of people did die, but not nearly the amount you would have thought based upon what happened on the screen.

But really, all in all, it doesn't matter what the body count was, the not-quite-seamless level of CG we're capable of, or how strangely sad the story of Kong is. What matters is that you're there, believing every second of it from the first frame to the last, until the house lights come up and remind you that you don't live in a world where 25 foot gorillas fall in love with beautiful blondes and tear up New York looking for them. Welcome back to reality. Enjoy your stay.

The Loneliness of Silence

Often when I come to speak with you, my mind is overflowing with words. Ideas, heated from the friction of bouncing excitedly around my mind, come bubbling forth from me, boiling over in a seemingly endless stream of language. But today is odd. Today, my mind is empty. No thoughts fill the void as they often do, yet I am still compelled to come and talk. Usually, I speak to clear my mind and find some much needed silence. Now, here I am, casting my voice into the emptiness, trying in vain to fill the cavernous, echoing nothing with anything.

Shouldn't I just be quiet every once in a while? I know there are some who wish I would. How can I be quiet? I have been for so long. I have a lot of lost time to make up for. That's why sometimes I speak even when I have nothing to say. Or maybe it's because I think some might see my silence as a weakness. I have many weaknesses. I like to hide as many of them as I can.

Isn't that funny? As humans, we are inherently flawed creatures, but we don't like others to know about our individual flaws. Shouldn't it be good enough for them to know that my main flaw is that I'm human? I think we think too much. At least, I know I do. Well, maybe it's better to say I think too much about some things and not enough about others. Does it balance out somehow in the end?

See? We're always seeking external affirmation. What's wrong with us? We know that reality is based on perceptions, so our best source of affirmation is ourselves. If we perceive ourselves as confident, intelligent, funny, beautiful, sexy, and just generally wonderful people, then we will be. But we don't. We're always looking for someone else to tell us what to love about ourselves. I say "we", but maybe I'm just speaking for "me". I hope not.

And there goes the insecurity. My mind just manifested an imagined world where I'm the only screwed up person. I know that's not true. I know it's not. I know it's not. Please, don't interrupt my litany; it's the only thing that keeps me from breaking down. Don't contradict me with your silence. Someone tell me I'm not the only one.

You know...until someone answers, I'm just talking to myself. That's scary. I talk to myself a lot. I call it "thinking aloud". I've done it ever since I can remember. It's gotten to the point where I almost can't think in my head anymore. I have to sound it out or write it down. Sometimes, I think about that and I wonder if I'm not crazy. I know what someone else would think if they walked in on me while I was "thinking".

But why should I care what someone else thinks? At this point in my life, I am who I'm always going to be, right? So, if someone doesn't like it, they're not worth wasting my time. Oh, how effortlessly those words come out. As if doing it were as easy as saying it. I only wish.

See why I hate when it's quiet up there? It's almost as chaotic as the alternative. At least if I have all this other stuff running around in my head, there's little room left over for the inevitable self doubt. Well, until things get back to normal, I guess I'll have to sit here and talk to myself, reassure myself that my usual company is not gone for good. That is, of course, unless you would like to join the conversation...

Don'tcha Hate It...

Okay, let me just say, I'm not a comedian. Sure, every once in a while, I come up with a zinger, but I don't have the comedic stamina to do it for any length of time in front of an audience. That said, I want to make it clear that this is not intended to be one of those lists that seems to become spam fodder in your inbox. These are some things that I've realized really bug me, and I thought I'd share. I'm sure you'll sympathize with a few.

Now, I don't want to make anyone feel bad, not that I think enough people read this blog to make a difference, and not to diminish the people who do read this blog, which I thank you few for, by the way, nor do I wish to imply that I feel as negatively as the word "hate" would indicate, but I hate people who have to preface everything they say with some long, nested, parenthetical disclaimer...which I guess means I hate myself, but let's move on.

I'm not really a phone guy. I think guys in general have been accused of not being "phone people". Because I know I'm not a phone guy, I'm kind of self conscious on the phone. This causes me to speak softly. Well, the point is, I really hate when people call me "ma'am" on the phone. It happens all the time, mostly at work. I don't think I have a particularly effeminate or high-pitched voice. I can only imagine that the people who call me ma'am are picturing me as a 65 year old woman with a lifelong smoking habit. Who knows?

Going along with the idea of being self conscious, I hate missing the opportunity to be friendly to people I don't know. Granted, people I don't know make me a little shy, but it's something I have been working on for many years. One of the things that I think doesn't help is my natural facial expression. When my face is relaxed, I tend to look mad or broody. If may face happens to be relaxed, I'm probably not talking, and if I'm not talking, I'm thinking. Sometimes I get lost in thought, and that's when the missed opportunity to be nice occurs.

Let me give you an example. The other day, I was leaving work for lunch. There was this family in the atrium, and they had this little girl with them. She must've been five, maybe six, and she was wearing a cast. Despite the cast, she was just as happy as could be. As her family left, she stood at the foot of the stairs smiling and waving at me. She was the cutest darn thing...but I only realized that after I had snapped out of my spaciness. I saw her waving bye at me out of the corner of my eye, and by the time I brought my attention to her, her family was calling her out the door, probably to get her away from the guy coming down the stairs looking like a serial killer.

Happens all the time. I'm spacing out, and some friendly stranger nods and says, "Hey." By the time I snap back to reality, the other person is walking off wondering what the hell my problem is. That's me. I got what you call charisma.

Along the same line, I think a lot. So, I have that spacey, broody look pretty frequently. Sometimes, it's more persistent than others. Sometimes, when I'm particularly thoughtful, I'm moody too. Actually, it's probably the other way around; I get thoughtful when I'm moody. Why do I get moody? Who knows? Men have a hormonal cycle too, though it's not nearly as severe as women's. Sometimes, it's just my time of the month, and I get irritable, dammit.

This is an equation for potential disaster. Well, maybe not disaster, but it can definitely be an issue. I know when I'm moody, and I don't like it. Usually there's nothing going on in my life to be moody about. So, I hate it when people start asking me, "What's wrong?" Actually, I don't hate that. What I hate is when people insist that something is wrong after I've told them that I'm fine. They continue to ask if I'm alright, even though I've reassured them that I am.

Don't get me wrong, it really feels good to know that people are concerned with my well being, but when I say I'm fine, please believe me. Even of I just don't want to talk about it, I'll probably want to later. More often than not, though, it's just me being irritable. Trust me, it really isn't worth the worry.

Okay...all this self analysis is making me moody, so let's move on.

I hate garbage water. I know, I know, the last couple sounded so serious. Now I follow up with garbage water? But you don't understand...I REALLY hate garbage water. You know, you're taking out the garbage and then -- Splat! You pull back your hand, which now smells like it's been marinating in rancid banana peel-flavored espresso, or coke-soaked baby diapers, and find that you have nothing to wipe it on because you're outside. Thank goodness for antibacterial hand gel, but you still have to give them a good washing to get rid of the scent of coffee grounds and orange soda.

Another thing that really gets on my nerves is people who drive SUV's as if they were Porsche test drivers. Listen, I'm glad you have enough cash flow to fill up every two miles, but for me, gas is way too expensive to floor it and slam on the breaks at every traffic light. I think that if you're fuel efficiency is rated in gallons to the mile, it doesn't hurt to be a little conservative on the road. Not to mention that if I'm in front of you when you're breaks go out, you're not even going to notice you hit me. Meanwhile, I'm going to be hitching my way to the hospital clutching a steering wheel and a hubcap, the only remains of my car.

I could go on for pages, but I'm afraid you might start to think me a cynic. I assure you that I love more things than I hate. I love my wife. I love my friends and family. I love the quiet hours I spend hacking away at my keyboard. I love sudden, powerful bursts of inspiration. I love tira misu. I love a good Italian Pinot Grigio. I love the universe and all of its fascinating quirks, even the one's that bring about the things I hate. And I love...life.

Neurotic? Me?

The following story is fictional, but it is also semiautobiographical. If I were to visit a therapist, this is how I imagine it would go down.

This'll probably explain a few things...
*****
FADE IN:

INT. THERAPIST'S OFFICE  LATE AFTERNOON

Muted grayish-beige paint covers the upper portion of the wall while the lower portion is clad in an elaborate dark cherry wainscoting. Afternoon light pours through the slats of expensive Venetian blinds, illuminating a large mahogany desk that sits at the back of the room and providing comfortable lighting to the rest of the office. Two looming bookcases flank the window. A few more bookcases are spaced along the walls, including one behind an expensive, leather-upholstered chair. A matching cherry settee sprawls comfortably across from the chair.

In the chair sits DR. EMIL SKODA, a late middle-aged man with a salt-and-pepper moustache and goatee and wearing glasses. On the settee lays JEFF, a thin, young man with dark brown hair, blue eyes and a slightly rounded nose.

SKODA

How are you feeling today, Jeffrey?

JEFF (after some thought)     

Oh, pretty good.

SKODA

Pretty good?

JEFF (shrugs)     

Yeah. I mean, I had kind of a bad night earlier in the week, but I'm ok now.

SKODA

What happened?

JEFF

Well, I had this meeting in Orlando on Wednesday. I'd never been in the part of town where it was being held. So, I mapquested the directions and set out on the road.

(laughs and shakes head)     

SKODA

Go on.

JEFF

Well, the remains of rush hour traffic were already threatening to make me late, but once I got on the highway, things were going pretty well...until I was about halfway to my destination. I get off on this one exit, right, and there's blockades everywhere, flashing lights, and not a sign to be seen. It's a major road construction area.

SKODA

Did you have to turn around?

JEFF

No. That's just the thing, see? The road was still open going east and west, but because of the way everything was blocked off and the lack of signs, it was very confusing. I started going west, which was really the only direction that made any sense. But I thought I was looking for some other turn along the way. Mapquest's directions weren't totally clear on that. Well, after about five minutes, I became convinced that I was going the wrong way.

SKODA

What convinced you?

JEFF

I wish I could tell you. I always do this. Whenever I'm not sure of where I'm going, I start to second guess myself. It always ends up with me turning around prematurely and getting myself even more lost.

SKODA

Is that what you did here?

JEFF (nods)     

I turned around, drove back to where I had gotten on this road, and I drove for another five minutes in the opposite direction. Doc, I did this four times...four!

SKODA

What were you feeling as this was happening?

JEFF

Well, I was convinced that the turn I had been looking for was blocked off. I was frustrated. Here I was on some road I didn't know. I wasn't in the city yet, so the nearest place I could stop for directions was miles away. I had no cell phone. After about second time going back and forth on this road, I got really mad.

SKODA

Mad?

JEFF

Yeah. Man, I was yelling, cursing...I was mad!

SKODA

Can you tell me exactly what was the focus of your anger?

JEFF (shrugs)     

I don't know. Myself, I guess.

SKODA

Yourself?

JEFF

Maybe not at first. At first I think I was mad at the situation. But I've done this to myself a hundred times before. I knew the only reason I was in that situation was because I had put myself there.

SKODA

So, what did you do?

JEFF

Well, after I had yelled myself hoarse and had exhausted my four-letter-word vocabulary, I decided to get a grip. I turned around the way I had originally been going on this road and promised myself to drive until I either figured out where I was going, or I found a place to ask for directions.

SKODA

Which was it?

JEFF

I figured out where I was going. I found my turn a little further up the road than I had driven before. It's exactly the same outcome as any other time I've done this.

SKODA

And how did that make you feel?

JEFF

Honestly, a little ashamed of myself. After going through the same thing over and over again, you'd think I'd have learned. I just get so anxious, y'know? Because I have done this so many times, I get nervous any time I have to drive somewhere I've never been before. I'm so afraid I'm going to do it again...I usually do.

SKODA

Are there other times when you get angry with yourself? Times when you're not in the car?

JEFF

Sure. I see it at work and when I'm working on my own projects at home. If things aren't going perfectly, and I can't figure out how to make them go perfectly, I get mad.

SKODA

Why do you think that is?

JEFF

I hold myself to a very high standard whenever I take up a task. It's like...I don't know. It's like I want people to see how well I did something. I want them to be impressed with my skill, or at the very least, I don't want them to be unimpressed with my lack of skill.

SKODA

Have you always been this way?

JEFF (shakes head)     

No. I wasn't when I was a kid. In fact, you might say I was the opposite. See, I didn't have much encouragement when I was little. Some of the teachers told me I had potential, and I think my dad believed in me. But most of my teachers wanted to hold me back a grade and give me detentions, and my dad was constantly at work or playing in a night club with his band. My stepmom and her two daughters were definitely no source of encouragement. It was very clear that they never expected me to succeed.

SKODA

So, when do you think all this changed?

JEFF

High school. See, I moved out of my dad's house and in with my real mom. It was like another world to me. I had so much more freedom living with my mom, and she made it clear that she believed in me. She saw how little faith I had in myself, so she did everything in her power to change that. But it's a very hard thing to change in a person. I came from an environment where nobody expected me to succeed, so I didn't. Now, I was in a situation where somebody was encouraging me to succeed, and I wanted to. I wanted to succeed so that I wouldn't let down my mom and to spite those who didn't believe in me before.

SKODA

And did you?

JEFF

Well, only a little. See, opportunities would come up. Things I never would have done before. I saw them as a way to prove myself. Every once in a while, I would work up the courage to take on a challenge. Sometimes I would succeed, but many times I would be on the verge of success, but then I would get scared.

SKODA

Scared of what?

JEFF

Scared that I was going to fail. I was afraid that I was going to fall on my face and that everyone was going to see it and think of me as a loser. I would rather they just didn't think of me at all. So, I remained pretty inconspicuous in high school, except for a few things. Things, I might add, that I worked extremely hard on, just so that there was absolutely no chance I would fail.

SKODA

That was in high school. How about now?

JEFF

Well, it depends on the situation. I know what my strengths are, so if I have people encouraging me to do something that involves my strengths, I'll do it. But again, I will employ those strengths to their absolute limit so that I'm not perceived as a failure. If I'm not sure about the situation, though...if it's something I've never done before or something I haven't had a lot of practice with, I'm reluctant to do it at all. And if I do decide to take on the challenge, I usually end up doubting myself every step of the way. That self doubt usually ends up sabotaging the whole thing.

SKODA

Like when you're driving.

JEFF (beat)     

Yeah, actually.

SKODA

And how do you feel now?

JEFF (snickers)     

Jeez, doc, I come to you for answers, and all you do is ask me questions.

SKODA (smiles)     

Well, I have to ask you these things. This job would be a lot easier if I could read your mind. Since I can't, your honest answers to my questions are the next best thing.

JEFF

Okay, okay. Right now...well, I feel good talking to someone about this. Y'know, a lot of times, when I'm getting angry at myself, no one's around. I'm alone in the car or in my office at work. Usually, if someone's around, I wouldn't make my anger so obvious. With someone looking over my shoulder, I think it comes off more as hesitance. But it feels good to talk about it now...although, I do feel a little ashamed.

SKODA

Why is that?

JEFF

Obviously, this isn't normal. Otherwise I wouldn't be here. I recognize, even while it's happening, that I'm being unreasonable. I just...don't know how to stop myself.

SKODA

How often does it happen?

JEFF (shrugs)     

I have a minor occurrence of it almost every day, but really bad ones happen maybe once or twice a week.

SKODA

Do you get tense when it happens?

JEFF (nods)     

Especially in my shoulders and back.

SKODA

Any trouble sleeping?

JEFF

Not really. I mean, I usually don't go to bed early because there just aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done that I want to get done. But once I go to bed, I have no trouble getting to sleep.

SKODA jots several notes in a notebook that sits on his lap.

SKODA (nodding)     

Okay, Jeffrey. Given everything we've talked about today, I believe you may have some component of generalized anxiety disorder. Now, I'm going to refer you to a psychiatrist for a consultation.

JEFF

A psychiatrist?

SKODA (nods)     

He'll be able to confirm my diagnosis and, if he feels it's necessary, prescribe an anti-anxiety medication like Celexa or Lexapro.

JEFF sits up, a concerned look on his face.

JEFF

Do you really think medication is necessary?

SKODA

Well, I don't think you'll need to use medication on a regular basis, but it certainly might help for the really bad occurrences. Aside from that, we'll be going over some relaxation techniques that I think will help quite a bit. Eventually, I think you'll be at a point where medication is entirely unnecessary. I'm confident that we'll be able to reduce the severity of your anxiety significantly, if not eliminate it entirely.

JEFF

Good. That's what I want to hear.

SKODA (stands)     

All right. Let's stop here for today. If you go up front, I'll have my assistant schedule you with the psychiatrist. She'll also give you some handouts on relaxation techniques. Take them home and look them over. We'll go over them at our appointment next week. Call if you have any questions, okay?

JEFF stands and walks over to SKODA and shakes his hand.

JEFF (nodding)     

Thank you, Doctor Skoda. I'm beginning to feel a little better already.

SKODA smiles and JEFF exits the office headed for the front desk.

FADE OUT:

THE END

Note: As I said in the beginning, the above is a work of fiction. For those of you who recognized the name, Dr. Emil Skoda is a recurring character played by J.K. Simmons on the TV legal drama "Law & Order". He doesn't look anything like how I described him up top, but that's one of the great things about fiction: I don't have to ensure accuracy.

Speaking of accuracy, I think it's important to note that I am not a licensed therapist, nor do I have a Ph.D. in psychology or an M.D. in psychiatric medicine. The method of diagnosis used by Skoda above and the resultant recommendations are not, to my knowledge, specifically endorsed by any healthcare professional.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), however, can be a serious problem and is estimated to affect as many as 5,000,000 Americans. If you feel you may be suffering from GAD, please consult your primary healthcare provider. He or she will be able to refer you to a professional who can help.

The Internet Sucks!

(Note: The links below are clickable...click them; it's part of the joke. JAG 10/21/2005)

Look, I don't want you to think I'm a cynic or anything. I know my last post was about hating rebates, and I hate to follow that up with a post about hating the internet. But seriously...

I don't mean to say that I hate the idea of the internet. It is definitely one of the most significant technological concepts of the century, but somewhere, something went horribly wrong. The internet in its current incarnation is the perfect example of what happens when anarchy is the order of the day.

For the umpteenth time I was asked to look something up at work today. And, of course, I also use the internet at home as a research tool. It seems like every day that passes, it gets harder and harder to find what I'm looking for. No matter what my search terms are, these always seem to be the first few results:


            

Results 1 - 4 of approximately 979,867,613,995,235.2 for "guitar strings"

___________________________________________________________

Increase Your Size
Add inches and last longer with new Guitar String brand cream treatment. Please her for hours with this all natural...
www.thisallnaturalcreamreallyworksyoushouldtryit.com/ - Sept 15, 2004 - Similar Pages

Refinance Bob's Home of Bank
Listen to refinance Bob pluck his guitar strings of second mortgage refinancing. Bob makes the refinance process easier by singing the paperwork to you over the course of a 3 month...
www.nobodymakesrefinancingyourhomeloaneasierthanbob[phew!].com/ - Apr 10, 2005 - Similar Pages

Make Cash Fast
Become a virtualy guaranteed instantaneous possible millionare selling guitar strings from home! For a minimal signup fee you too can earn infinite cash through the exponential circle of profit...
www.signuptobecomesuccessful.no-thisisnotamway.iswear.really.com/ - Oct 2, 2001 - Similar Pages

Sexy Girls Waiting for You
Free nude pictures, bondage, shelikes to be tied up with a guitar string free free free no credit check come here for all naked barely legal anime hentai...
www.thesegirlsareallrealandwanttogettoknowyouallyouhavetodois
giveusyourcreditcardnumbersocialsecuritynumberbirthdateandmothers
maidenname.com/ - Jan 1, 2028 - Similar Pages
___________________________________________________________

Then, of course, there is always that one tantalizing link that seems perfect:

Buy Guitar Strings Online
Buy guitar strings and other music supplies from our trusted secure site. High quality music equipment, reasonable prices, and secure credit processing are our business. Jeff, this is the link you've been searching for. Click on it...
www.trustedmusicsupply.com/ - Dec 25, 0000 - Similar Pages


Son of a... Man, I hate that. Apparently all the legitimate sites have been driven offline by all the other junk. Don't get me wrong, if what your looking for is porn, all natural creams and supplements that claim to enhance a man's performance, or a way to supposedly make fast cash, the internet is a place to go. And it is possible to find what your looking for otherwise. You just have to sift through all this...stuff. Something has to be done.

But what?

Let me say outright, I don't believe in censorship. I believe in freedom of speech. That said, I also believe people should be encouraged to take other people's sensitivities and expectations into account before they express themselves. I don't argue the fact that these companies and individuals have the right to put this trash on the internet. What I do argue with is their right to trick me into installing their spyware on my PC or their right to bypass the trickery by simply installing it without my knowledge. They may as well sneak into my house at night and bug my clothing or imprint a brand preference directly onto my DNA.

So what is the solution? Well first, anything that even resembles a disregard for an individual's privacy should be punishable by slow torture. Second, the internet should have multiple portals. Doorways that not only know what the web surfer wants to see, but more importantly, what he doesn't want to see. Last, search engines should be a little smarter about my search terms. When I want to refinance my mortgage, see porn, or increase my penis size, I will explicitly type those search terms into the engine. Don't return such results to me otherwise.

Having a degree in computer science and having a basic knowledge of the legal system, I know these things are easier said than done. Until someone can make some headway, I'll just have to sift through the garbage to find what I'm looking for.

Ah well...

Blog Post Rebate!!!

Get 15 minutes of your life back when you waste 15 minutes of your time reading this blog post about rebates! That's a fifteen minute value! And since time is money, you should act now to receive your rebate!!!

Terms and conditions: In order to receive your rebate, please send a SASE along with a blank check to the address below. Be sure to include your original store receipt along with a copy of your original store receipt and a copy of your original copy of your UPC. Copies printed on recycled paper will not be accepted. Duplicate copies will also not be accepted. Void where prohibited. Not valid with any other offer. Members and visitors of eBlogger.com, their family, friends, neighbors, and acquaintances are ineligible. Offer not good in Hawaii, Alaska, Puerto Rico or any of the 50 contiguous United States. Offer also not good on planet Earth, any planetary neighbor and associated orbiting satellites, comets, asteroids, or the sun. Issuer is not responsible for lost or misdirected mail, intentional or otherwise...

I hate rebates. I hate rebates so much, I can't even figure out where to begin the list. Should it start with the way manufacturers and retailers offer rebates that they don't intend to fulfill on every unit sold? Or should I go with the way rebate clearinghouses always conveniently seem to "lose" or "not receive" your submission form?

But before you think me an embittered consumer, burned by one too many rebate scams, let me reassure you. I was suspicious of rebates from the get go. That's why I have rarely ever sent off for one. Yes, rarely means that I have done it once or twice, but of the few rebate promotions I have ever participated in, I have received my check from every one.

So, if all my rebate experiences have been satisfactory in the end, why complain? It's the very idea, the principle of the whole thing. The fact is, if the rebate issuer expected every consumer, or even the majority, to send off for rebates and do it correctly, they would simply mark down the price of the merchandise at the register. Do you know that the pesky problem of rebate fulfillment is primarily taken care of before it even reaches the clearinghouse? The reason why is that a minority of consumers who buy products on rebate actually send the rebate out. These consumers generally fall into two categories: 1) the consumer who buys the product because it's on rebate and fully intends to fill it out and send it in, but who is either too busy or too much of a procrastinator to get around to it, or 2) the consumer who was going to buy it regardless of the rebate and ignores the rebate because they're wary of them in general.

I am in the second category.

And what about those poor innocent suckers that filled out the rebate form and sent it in? Well, did you remember your original receipt and UPC? Or did the rebate form ask for copies? Or did it ask for one copy and one original? Did you completely and accurately fill out all the requested information by hand, in pen, and in a 9.5pt sans serif font? Did you remember to sign it? Did you remember to date it? Did you remember to check the box by and/or fill in the amount of the rebate, despite the fact that it's printed no less than ten times on the form? Did you remember to make a copy of all materials put into the envelope, take a picture of an X-ray showing all the contents put into the envelope, get a DNA sample and signed affidavit from the mailman who picked it up, and the same from the mailman who delivered it so that you're covered when 6 months later they tell you your rebate request is not on file?

These companies set up an intentionally dizzying sequence of hoops for you to jump through, just in case you decide you have the intestinal fortitude to play their game. And they count on this. If every consumer who bought products on rebate actually sent off for the it correctly, these companies would have to reconsider the whole rebate dynamic, lest they kiss their profits goodbye. Unfortunately, that's not likely to happen. Nor is it likely that consumers will stop playing right into the rebate ploy. The only thing we can really do is stick to our convictions when it comes to rebates. If you were willing to pay full price for it, don't wait for the rebate. Just buy it, or wait for the retailer or distributor to offer "instant savings". If your a rebate person, make sure you have all your ducks in a row, and don't give up on it or forget about it until you have cashed your rebate check.

Now, as if I didn't have enough to hate about rebates. Check this out. I fill out rebates at work from time to time for my boss. I've worked at a major technology retailer in their customer service department previously, so I know very well how rebates work. Well, I recently had the pleasure of coming across this delightful little tidbit from that very same retailer that used to employ me:



Note the requirement in bold at the top of the form, and I quote, "Must of purchased StompSoft...to receive your $30 rebate"

Must of? Must of? They're kidding, right? Those of you who have followed my postings thus far "must of" known I would go crazy over this. I mean, don't you think between the retailer, the rebate clearinghouse, the printer, the software company for whom the rebate was offered somebody would have said, "Must of? Oh, no, no, you mean either must've or must have. Must of is just plain silly!" But no.

And that's not the last of it! Note the area where the customer is supposed to enter their phone number. Yeah, apparently we're starting to use this new eleven digit phone number format. See, it's the same as dialing long distance, "1" plus the area code, plus the number. Oh yeah, and you have to train yourself to get that new phone number rhythm down, "One-three-two, one-five-five, five-one-two-three-four" instead of 1-321-555-1234. It'll screw you up every time you try, but your kids'll be used to it. They'll be rattling of their eleven digit phone numbers in that offbeat rhythm so fast it'll make you sick.

Anyways, that's my rant about rebates. Either don't do them or do them, but just make sure you either don't do them or do them, ok?

You be the judge...

Ok, so it has been nearly a month since my last post. Despite my reassurances, I bet some of you were wondering if I had forgotten, or simply lost interest. I assure you that neither of those is true. What, then, have I been doing? Allow me to explain.

You may or may not believe this, but I love making work for myself. I know, I know, who doesn't? But by this I don't mean that I am not very wise and usually make decisions that delay or completely unlgue processes in progress. Well, I may be guilty of that sometimes, but when I say that I love making work for myself, what I mean is that I love creating things for me to do. This blog was one such thing. So was and is my book. So is the program I have been writing for the past three weeks.

Yes, for those of you who are even the slightest bit alert, you know that I have a degree in computer science. I acquired this degree with the intention of becoming a successful IT professional. I found out toward the end that my perceived love of programming was really rooted in my love of linguistics. I also found out that it is fairly difficult for a fresh computer science graduate to jump right into being successful.

So, one year away from graduating I thought, "Well, I've come too far to stop now." I've seen people quit college that close, and even closer, to graduating and wondered how they could possibly throw away all that hard work. And while I was convincing myself to trudge stoically through my senior level CS classes, I was voluntarily checking out volumes from the school library on such gripping subjects as "the origin of language" and "applied linguistics". While I was learning ultra-cool phrases like "labial dental fricatives" (which is not as suggestive as it sounds), my GPA was hovering somewhere around "help me"! See what I mean about making work for myself?

So, you would think that now that I'm out of school and working a mildly professional IT type job, despite the fact it is not what I am passionate about, I would never willingly write code in my spare time. Well, you would think...but you'd be wrong. See, I do like programming, but only when it's my own project. Programming is fun when you don't have a deadlines or strict corporate procedures to follow. Granted, those things can make for clean, efficient code, but they can be inhibitive to the creative process I believe is necessary to write truly useful and dynamic programs.

I believe a programmer is a kind of writer, especially when it is his passion. Programming is certainly useful to me in expressing my passion, but it in itself is something I am not passionate about. I shall elaborate.

As a writer I use language to express my creativity, but it is not my only outlet; I also create language. I am what as known in some circles as a "conlanger". A conlanger is a person who engages in the creation of a nonexistent language. The reasons anyone would do this are many and varied, but ultimately it comes down to entertainment. Even L.L. Zamenhof, who created Esperanto, was, I'm sure, entertained by the hope of everyone speaking his "international language". The reason I do it? Well, my aforementioned love of linguistics and writing figure heavily into it. It also helps to give depth to the races in my book. This idea is not unlike how J.R.R. Tolkien wrote Lord of the Rings to create a backdrop where his Elvish languages flourished.

So, what does this have to do with programming? Well, as a conlanger, one of the most frustrating and tedious exercises is creating a lexicon (that's dictionary, for the laypeople). It has been said that, in order to have a language where one can communicate fully and comfortably, that language must have a lexicon of about 2,000 words. Yes, folks, coming up with a grammar is the easy part. You can flesh out the syntax of a constructed language in a couple of hours, but a 2,000 word vocabulary.

a..
abacus..
abase..
abash..
abbess..
abbey..
abbot..
abdicate...


Yeah...abdicate. I abdicate from writing this whole damn dictionary. Fortunately for those with short attention spans, like me, there are programs out there that will randomly generate a 2,000+ vocabulary for you in about two seconds. It's actually pretty easy to write a program that will string together a few random characters in mass quantities. What is not easy is making those random characters sound like they come from the same language.

The individual sounds we make when speaking are called phonemes. Within a specific language, speakers use a specific set of phonemes. The alveolar flap r in Spanish is a different phoneme from the retroflexed alveolar approximant r in English. Aside from this distinction, there are also syllabic patterns to be taken into consideration. Many languages follow some kind of alternating vowel/consonant pattern. There are some spelling rules that come into play as well. For example, hobzgodjh is not a likely English word, despite the fact it is not too phonemically different from the word hopscotch.

While this is a lot of stuff to think about, it still isn't too terribly difficult to write a program that will do it. Jeffrey Henning's Langmaker software is one such program. So, problem solved, right? Wrong. You really didn't think it would be that easy, did you? Here's the next problem, and this one's a doozy. Aside from phonemic consistency, when creating a lexicon you have to worry about morphemic consistency.

Ok...wow. Should I slow down?

A morpheme is the smallest unit in a language that still has meaning. Paragraphs are made up of sentences, sentences are made up of words, and words are made up of morphemes. Sometimes a morpheme is a whole word by itself, but other times it is a affix or inflection of some sort. Take the word portability. It's morphemes are: the root word port (as in to take from one place to another), the suffix -abil (a variation on -able), and the suffix -ity (indicating that the word is describing a quality). Morphemic consistency is a common property of language. There are few languages in which all words are roots that stand alone without modification by other morphemes.

It's pretty tough to write a program that will build morphemic consistency into a randomly generated lexicon. Let me show you what I mean.

What I would theoretically want a program to do:

English:	Fictional Language:
able	ila
ability	paula
port	aun
portable	la'aun
portability	paula'aun

What available programs will give me:

English:	Fictional Language:
able	anu
ability	hino
port	pa
portable	inefu
portability	nohanina

Now, I am making some assumptions about my fictional language for the sake of simplicity, but it helps illustrate the point. You might notice from the first example that the translations have some consistency. In the second example, the words might seem like they are based on a realistic phonology, but they are clearly completely random.

So, am I trying to write a program that will randomly generate a morphemically consistent lexicon? Well, I might consider it as a doctoral thesis when I go back to get my linguistics degree, but for now it's way more than I have the stamina for. Instead I am trying to develop a middle ground, lexical management solution if you will. It is a program that will help you generate your lexicon by hand and easily look up roots, morphemes, and related words while you do. It will tell you if the word you've just created is already in the lexicon and will even have the ability to randomly generate a word when you are out of inspiration.

Again, I say...I love making work for myself. I actually have all the data structures coded, I just need to work on the user interface. In the meantime I will keep plugging away. And for those of you who are afraid this distracts me from creative expression that is more accessible to those who appreciate literature instead of 1it3r4tur3, fear not. I am always writing...

It's quiet...a little too quiet.

Again, it has been a few days, but I assure you they have not been unproductive. I am working on a little something right now to post here. I was waiting to get my haircut the other day, lamenting not having a little notebook, when an idea hit me. Of course, because I didn't have a notebook, I was trying to not think of something. Naturally, the muses thought this was the perfect time to sprinkle their magic dust on me.

Somehow I managed to be satisfied just scrawling a few things onto the back of a receipt I had in my pocket. What I've written so far definitely wouldn't fit on a receipt anymore. It's turning out to be much longer than I had intended, but I think it's good. It's a bit different than the stuff I usually write, but that's never a bad thing. In many areas of life it is always advisable to be open to new ways of doing things. Don't be afraid to explore a road you've never been down before; it may lead you to a place you've always wanted to go.

Laziness begets efficiency.

This isn't the general rule, but sometimes figuring out how to work smarter rather than harder is rooted in nothing more than laziness. This is akin to "productive procrastination" (an Elgonism to those who have noticed that I posted links on the sidebar and who have followed at least one of them), but any form of procrastination is, by its very nature, anathema to efficiency.

This brings me to my time and space saving act of economic torpidity for the day. I recently sent an email to a friend, in which I ranted, as is my wont, for many lines. Now, I could simply open my email, copy it to notepad, edit it for trademark violations, open my blog, paste the edited email after a short intro, then post. Lethargy, however, has prompted otherwise. Since my friend was so kind to have done all that work for me in his blog, I will simply link to it. And please, while you're there, check out the rest of his stuff.

My email posted to oneoverxnews.blogspot.com

What kind of a dumb question...?

Ok so, when you sign up to create your very own blog, this particular site asks you a random question, the answer to which will be displayed in your profile, if you so desire. This was my question:

If you were a pirate, how would you avoid laughing when saying "poop deck"?

Fortunately, the site is more than happy to generate another question, should its original, seemingly random choice be not to your liking. I was torn when I saw this one. Surely the author of the query had a hearty chuckle to himself as it emerged from the quagmire of comedic sophistication that no doubt clogs the inner workings. I, however, said something to the effect of the title of this post.

Actually, that is not entirely true. I am somewhat glad this question was posed, and even more so because they offered a mere 150 characters for a response. My acceptance of the question originates from the admittance that I must confront an irrational hatred of a certain bit of vernacular, which, to my increasing ire, is used quite commonly. You'll see why I thought the size restriction of the answer was humorous as well, and why people like me need blogs.

So...how would I, were I a pirate and came upon an instance where the phrase "poop deck" was poised upon my salty, sea-air-chapped lips, avoid a mirthful outburst?

I would love to provide a smart-alec answer such as, "I'd simply remember how me daddy, First Mate Smythee McGeeman the Seaman, slipped on a bit of 'poop deck debris' and fell straight into the ocean where he became shark hors d'ouvres... Arrr!" Alas, there is something more sinister at work here preventing me from taking that simple route.

My real answer is that I would never have to come up with a way to avoid laughing because I wouldn't find it funny. In fact, I would probably avoid saying the phrase "poop deck" altogether, whatever inconvenience that might cause the rest of the crew. You see, the simple fact is that I despise the word "poop". And no, it is not because of what it represents; I have no problem with the word sh*t (and I only semi-censor it out of respect for those who do). It is just that particular assemblage of phonemes is like the scraping of fingernails across the linguistic chalkboard of my soul. I don't mind the word hoop. I find the word peep quite pleasant, quaint even. "Poop", however... See? I can't even write it without prophylactic quotations.

Anyhow, more about stupid questions. There are some who say there are no such things. There are yet others who follow that up with, "only stupid people." I am less inclined to agree with the former unless it is further clarified by the latter.

Now, I don't want to come off as a jerk, looking down my nose at everyone because I feel they are intellectually inferior. Really, I am hard pressed to call another human being stupid, no matter how frustrated I may get because he can't see something that seems obvious to me. So, in lieu of insulting all who happen to make the mistake of uttering an interrogative that embarrasses even them, let us all simply admit that there are indeed stupid questions.

Good. Now that we've taken this very therapeutic step towards recovering from this happy-shiny-there-are-no-stupid-questions stigma, let's identify some common types of genuinely idiotic queries so that we can recognize them in the future and separate them from the truly important inquiries that deserve answers.

There are generally two major classifications of stupid question, they are the hypothetical and the rhetorical. It should be pretty clear that the majority of stupid questions are rhetorical. After all, in most cases, why would you ask a question of someone that you did not expect her to answer (like this one)? Here are some examples:

1. "Are you ok?" (asked after the recipient has been injured in some way) - This is a fairly common one, and is generally only stupid when it invokes the ire of its victim. Human body language is usually pretty forthcoming when it comes to discomfort or pain. In general, it is this body language that triggers the question. Since the idiocy of this question is extremely variable, it should be used sparingly. A better question might be, "Will you be ok?" Any such questions should be avoided in the event of bleeding, convulsions, etc, until such occurrence of clearly "not being okay" subsides.

2. "Is it cold enough for ya?" (asked in an attempt to be humorous) - Unless you are fairly confident in your comedic talent, humorous rhetorical questions should be skipped. I know I am hardly the first person to point this example out, so I will not explain further. As a side note, though, if I ever hear that question directed at me, I will take my most convenient, dead, frostbitten limb and use it to beat the holy hell out of the jackass who thought asking that would be funnier than, say, getting me a blanket and turning up the heat so I could get the feeling back into my extremities, have some cocoa and trade anecdotes with him.

3. "How stupid do you think I am?" - Never ask a question that you will immediately follow up with, "Uh, don't answer that." Someone might hand you a sign.


Hypothetical questions are a bit trickier. A lot of times we ask them because we're seeking advice, but sometimes they're purpose isn't so noble. For example:

"If you were a hot dog, and you were starvin', would you eat yourself?"

Or...

"If you had a choice between bein' the top scientist in your field and gettin' mad cow disease, which would you choose?"

Of course, those examples were given because they were particularly amusing in their original context, but we've all heard similar queries, posed to presumably make us think or to elicit a response that will reveal something about our psyche. The question that prompted this post was one of this type. Some of these of questions are effective, just keep in mind that when a person has to choose between two undesirable options in the real world, she will typically select the third. And that is good advice.