This'll probably explain a few things...
FADE IN:
INT. THERAPIST'S OFFICE LATE AFTERNOON
Muted grayish-beige paint covers the upper portion of the wall while the lower portion is clad in an elaborate dark cherry wainscoting. Afternoon light pours through the slats of expensive Venetian blinds, illuminating a large mahogany desk that sits at the back of the room and providing comfortable lighting to the rest of the office. Two looming bookcases flank the window. A few more bookcases are spaced along the walls, including one behind an expensive, leather-upholstered chair. A matching cherry settee sprawls comfortably across from the chair.
In the chair sits DR. EMIL SKODA, a late middle-aged man with a salt-and-pepper moustache and goatee and wearing glasses. On the settee lays JEFF, a thin, young man with dark brown hair, blue eyes and a slightly rounded nose.
How are you feeling today, Jeffrey?
Oh, pretty good.
Pretty good?
Yeah. I mean, I had kind of a bad night earlier in the week, but I'm ok now.
What happened?
Well, I had this meeting in Orlando on Wednesday. I'd never been in the part of town where it was being held. So, I mapquested the directions and set out on the road.
Go on.
Well, the remains of rush hour traffic were already threatening to make me late, but once I got on the highway, things were going pretty well...until I was about halfway to my destination. I get off on this one exit, right, and there's blockades everywhere, flashing lights, and not a sign to be seen. It's a major road construction area.
Did you have to turn around?
No. That's just the thing, see? The road was still open going east and west, but because of the way everything was blocked off and the lack of signs, it was very confusing. I started going west, which was really the only direction that made any sense. But I thought I was looking for some other turn along the way. Mapquest's directions weren't totally clear on that. Well, after about five minutes, I became convinced that I was going the wrong way.
What convinced you?
I wish I could tell you. I always do this. Whenever I'm not sure of where I'm going, I start to second guess myself. It always ends up with me turning around prematurely and getting myself even more lost.
Is that what you did here?
I turned around, drove back to where I had gotten on this road, and I drove for another five minutes in the opposite direction. Doc, I did this four times...four!
What were you feeling as this was happening?
Well, I was convinced that the turn I had been looking for was blocked off. I was frustrated. Here I was on some road I didn't know. I wasn't in the city yet, so the nearest place I could stop for directions was miles away. I had no cell phone. After about second time going back and forth on this road, I got really mad.
Mad?
Yeah. Man, I was yelling, cursing...I was mad!
Can you tell me exactly what was the focus of your anger?
I don't know. Myself, I guess.
Yourself?
Maybe not at first. At first I think I was mad at the situation. But I've done this to myself a hundred times before. I knew the only reason I was in that situation was because I had put myself there.
So, what did you do?
Well, after I had yelled myself hoarse and had exhausted my four-letter-word vocabulary, I decided to get a grip. I turned around the way I had originally been going on this road and promised myself to drive until I either figured out where I was going, or I found a place to ask for directions.
Which was it?
I figured out where I was going. I found my turn a little further up the road than I had driven before. It's exactly the same outcome as any other time I've done this.
And how did that make you feel?
Honestly, a little ashamed of myself. After going through the same thing over and over again, you'd think I'd have learned. I just get so anxious, y'know? Because I have done this so many times, I get nervous any time I have to drive somewhere I've never been before. I'm so afraid I'm going to do it again...I usually do.
Are there other times when you get angry with yourself? Times when you're not in the car?
Sure. I see it at work and when I'm working on my own projects at home. If things aren't going perfectly, and I can't figure out how to make them go perfectly, I get mad.
Why do you think that is?
I hold myself to a very high standard whenever I take up a task. It's like...I don't know. It's like I want people to see how well I did something. I want them to be impressed with my skill, or at the very least, I don't want them to be unimpressed with my lack of skill.
Have you always been this way?
No. I wasn't when I was a kid. In fact, you might say I was the opposite. See, I didn't have much encouragement when I was little. Some of the teachers told me I had potential, and I think my dad believed in me. But most of my teachers wanted to hold me back a grade and give me detentions, and my dad was constantly at work or playing in a night club with his band. My stepmom and her two daughters were definitely no source of encouragement. It was very clear that they never expected me to succeed.
So, when do you think all this changed?
High school. See, I moved out of my dad's house and in with my real mom. It was like another world to me. I had so much more freedom living with my mom, and she made it clear that she believed in me. She saw how little faith I had in myself, so she did everything in her power to change that. But it's a very hard thing to change in a person. I came from an environment where nobody expected me to succeed, so I didn't. Now, I was in a situation where somebody was encouraging me to succeed, and I wanted to. I wanted to succeed so that I wouldn't let down my mom and to spite those who didn't believe in me before.
And did you?
Well, only a little. See, opportunities would come up. Things I never would have done before. I saw them as a way to prove myself. Every once in a while, I would work up the courage to take on a challenge. Sometimes I would succeed, but many times I would be on the verge of success, but then I would get scared.
Scared of what?
Scared that I was going to fail. I was afraid that I was going to fall on my face and that everyone was going to see it and think of me as a loser. I would rather they just didn't think of me at all. So, I remained pretty inconspicuous in high school, except for a few things. Things, I might add, that I worked extremely hard on, just so that there was absolutely no chance I would fail.
That was in high school. How about now?
Well, it depends on the situation. I know what my strengths are, so if I have people encouraging me to do something that involves my strengths, I'll do it. But again, I will employ those strengths to their absolute limit so that I'm not perceived as a failure. If I'm not sure about the situation, though...if it's something I've never done before or something I haven't had a lot of practice with, I'm reluctant to do it at all. And if I do decide to take on the challenge, I usually end up doubting myself every step of the way. That self doubt usually ends up sabotaging the whole thing.
Like when you're driving.
Yeah, actually.
And how do you feel now?
Jeez, doc, I come to you for answers, and all you do is ask me questions.
Well, I have to ask you these things. This job would be a lot easier if I could read your mind. Since I can't, your honest answers to my questions are the next best thing.
Okay, okay. Right now...well, I feel good talking to someone about this. Y'know, a lot of times, when I'm getting angry at myself, no one's around. I'm alone in the car or in my office at work. Usually, if someone's around, I wouldn't make my anger so obvious. With someone looking over my shoulder, I think it comes off more as hesitance. But it feels good to talk about it now...although, I do feel a little ashamed.
Why is that?
Obviously, this isn't normal. Otherwise I wouldn't be here. I recognize, even while it's happening, that I'm being unreasonable. I just...don't know how to stop myself.
How often does it happen?
I have a minor occurrence of it almost every day, but really bad ones happen maybe once or twice a week.
Do you get tense when it happens?
Especially in my shoulders and back.
Any trouble sleeping?
Not really. I mean, I usually don't go to bed early because there just aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done that I want to get done. But once I go to bed, I have no trouble getting to sleep.
SKODA jots several notes in a notebook that sits on his lap.
Okay, Jeffrey. Given everything we've talked about today, I believe you may have some component of generalized anxiety disorder. Now, I'm going to refer you to a psychiatrist for a consultation.
A psychiatrist?
He'll be able to confirm my diagnosis and, if he feels it's necessary, prescribe an anti-anxiety medication like Celexa or Lexapro.
JEFF sits up, a concerned look on his face.
Do you really think medication is necessary?
Well, I don't think you'll need to use medication on a regular basis, but it certainly might help for the really bad occurrences. Aside from that, we'll be going over some relaxation techniques that I think will help quite a bit. Eventually, I think you'll be at a point where medication is entirely unnecessary. I'm confident that we'll be able to reduce the severity of your anxiety significantly, if not eliminate it entirely.
Good. That's what I want to hear.
All right. Let's stop here for today. If you go up front, I'll have my assistant schedule you with the psychiatrist. She'll also give you some handouts on relaxation techniques. Take them home and look them over. We'll go over them at our appointment next week. Call if you have any questions, okay?
JEFF stands and walks over to SKODA and shakes his hand.
Thank you, Doctor Skoda. I'm beginning to feel a little better already.
SKODA smiles and JEFF exits the office headed for the front desk.
FADE OUT:
Note: As I said in the beginning, the above is a work of fiction. For those of you who recognized the name, Dr. Emil Skoda is a recurring character played by J.K. Simmons on the TV legal drama "Law & Order". He doesn't look anything like how I described him up top, but that's one of the great things about fiction: I don't have to ensure accuracy.
Speaking of accuracy, I think it's important to note that I am not a licensed therapist, nor do I have a Ph.D. in psychology or an M.D. in psychiatric medicine. The method of diagnosis used by Skoda above and the resultant recommendations are not, to my knowledge, specifically endorsed by any healthcare professional.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), however, can be a serious problem and is estimated to affect as many as 5,000,000 Americans. If you feel you may be suffering from GAD, please consult your primary healthcare provider. He or she will be able to refer you to a professional who can help.
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