The Internet Sucks!

(Note: The links below are clickable...click them; it's part of the joke. JAG 10/21/2005)

Look, I don't want you to think I'm a cynic or anything. I know my last post was about hating rebates, and I hate to follow that up with a post about hating the internet. But seriously...

I don't mean to say that I hate the idea of the internet. It is definitely one of the most significant technological concepts of the century, but somewhere, something went horribly wrong. The internet in its current incarnation is the perfect example of what happens when anarchy is the order of the day.

For the umpteenth time I was asked to look something up at work today. And, of course, I also use the internet at home as a research tool. It seems like every day that passes, it gets harder and harder to find what I'm looking for. No matter what my search terms are, these always seem to be the first few results:


            

Results 1 - 4 of approximately 979,867,613,995,235.2 for "guitar strings"

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Increase Your Size
Add inches and last longer with new Guitar String brand cream treatment. Please her for hours with this all natural...
www.thisallnaturalcreamreallyworksyoushouldtryit.com/ - Sept 15, 2004 - Similar Pages

Refinance Bob's Home of Bank
Listen to refinance Bob pluck his guitar strings of second mortgage refinancing. Bob makes the refinance process easier by singing the paperwork to you over the course of a 3 month...
www.nobodymakesrefinancingyourhomeloaneasierthanbob[phew!].com/ - Apr 10, 2005 - Similar Pages

Make Cash Fast
Become a virtualy guaranteed instantaneous possible millionare selling guitar strings from home! For a minimal signup fee you too can earn infinite cash through the exponential circle of profit...
www.signuptobecomesuccessful.no-thisisnotamway.iswear.really.com/ - Oct 2, 2001 - Similar Pages

Sexy Girls Waiting for You
Free nude pictures, bondage, shelikes to be tied up with a guitar string free free free no credit check come here for all naked barely legal anime hentai...
www.thesegirlsareallrealandwanttogettoknowyouallyouhavetodois
giveusyourcreditcardnumbersocialsecuritynumberbirthdateandmothers
maidenname.com/ - Jan 1, 2028 - Similar Pages
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Then, of course, there is always that one tantalizing link that seems perfect:

Buy Guitar Strings Online
Buy guitar strings and other music supplies from our trusted secure site. High quality music equipment, reasonable prices, and secure credit processing are our business. Jeff, this is the link you've been searching for. Click on it...
www.trustedmusicsupply.com/ - Dec 25, 0000 - Similar Pages


Son of a... Man, I hate that. Apparently all the legitimate sites have been driven offline by all the other junk. Don't get me wrong, if what your looking for is porn, all natural creams and supplements that claim to enhance a man's performance, or a way to supposedly make fast cash, the internet is a place to go. And it is possible to find what your looking for otherwise. You just have to sift through all this...stuff. Something has to be done.

But what?

Let me say outright, I don't believe in censorship. I believe in freedom of speech. That said, I also believe people should be encouraged to take other people's sensitivities and expectations into account before they express themselves. I don't argue the fact that these companies and individuals have the right to put this trash on the internet. What I do argue with is their right to trick me into installing their spyware on my PC or their right to bypass the trickery by simply installing it without my knowledge. They may as well sneak into my house at night and bug my clothing or imprint a brand preference directly onto my DNA.

So what is the solution? Well first, anything that even resembles a disregard for an individual's privacy should be punishable by slow torture. Second, the internet should have multiple portals. Doorways that not only know what the web surfer wants to see, but more importantly, what he doesn't want to see. Last, search engines should be a little smarter about my search terms. When I want to refinance my mortgage, see porn, or increase my penis size, I will explicitly type those search terms into the engine. Don't return such results to me otherwise.

Having a degree in computer science and having a basic knowledge of the legal system, I know these things are easier said than done. Until someone can make some headway, I'll just have to sift through the garbage to find what I'm looking for.

Ah well...

Blog Post Rebate!!!

Get 15 minutes of your life back when you waste 15 minutes of your time reading this blog post about rebates! That's a fifteen minute value! And since time is money, you should act now to receive your rebate!!!

Terms and conditions: In order to receive your rebate, please send a SASE along with a blank check to the address below. Be sure to include your original store receipt along with a copy of your original store receipt and a copy of your original copy of your UPC. Copies printed on recycled paper will not be accepted. Duplicate copies will also not be accepted. Void where prohibited. Not valid with any other offer. Members and visitors of eBlogger.com, their family, friends, neighbors, and acquaintances are ineligible. Offer not good in Hawaii, Alaska, Puerto Rico or any of the 50 contiguous United States. Offer also not good on planet Earth, any planetary neighbor and associated orbiting satellites, comets, asteroids, or the sun. Issuer is not responsible for lost or misdirected mail, intentional or otherwise...

I hate rebates. I hate rebates so much, I can't even figure out where to begin the list. Should it start with the way manufacturers and retailers offer rebates that they don't intend to fulfill on every unit sold? Or should I go with the way rebate clearinghouses always conveniently seem to "lose" or "not receive" your submission form?

But before you think me an embittered consumer, burned by one too many rebate scams, let me reassure you. I was suspicious of rebates from the get go. That's why I have rarely ever sent off for one. Yes, rarely means that I have done it once or twice, but of the few rebate promotions I have ever participated in, I have received my check from every one.

So, if all my rebate experiences have been satisfactory in the end, why complain? It's the very idea, the principle of the whole thing. The fact is, if the rebate issuer expected every consumer, or even the majority, to send off for rebates and do it correctly, they would simply mark down the price of the merchandise at the register. Do you know that the pesky problem of rebate fulfillment is primarily taken care of before it even reaches the clearinghouse? The reason why is that a minority of consumers who buy products on rebate actually send the rebate out. These consumers generally fall into two categories: 1) the consumer who buys the product because it's on rebate and fully intends to fill it out and send it in, but who is either too busy or too much of a procrastinator to get around to it, or 2) the consumer who was going to buy it regardless of the rebate and ignores the rebate because they're wary of them in general.

I am in the second category.

And what about those poor innocent suckers that filled out the rebate form and sent it in? Well, did you remember your original receipt and UPC? Or did the rebate form ask for copies? Or did it ask for one copy and one original? Did you completely and accurately fill out all the requested information by hand, in pen, and in a 9.5pt sans serif font? Did you remember to sign it? Did you remember to date it? Did you remember to check the box by and/or fill in the amount of the rebate, despite the fact that it's printed no less than ten times on the form? Did you remember to make a copy of all materials put into the envelope, take a picture of an X-ray showing all the contents put into the envelope, get a DNA sample and signed affidavit from the mailman who picked it up, and the same from the mailman who delivered it so that you're covered when 6 months later they tell you your rebate request is not on file?

These companies set up an intentionally dizzying sequence of hoops for you to jump through, just in case you decide you have the intestinal fortitude to play their game. And they count on this. If every consumer who bought products on rebate actually sent off for the it correctly, these companies would have to reconsider the whole rebate dynamic, lest they kiss their profits goodbye. Unfortunately, that's not likely to happen. Nor is it likely that consumers will stop playing right into the rebate ploy. The only thing we can really do is stick to our convictions when it comes to rebates. If you were willing to pay full price for it, don't wait for the rebate. Just buy it, or wait for the retailer or distributor to offer "instant savings". If your a rebate person, make sure you have all your ducks in a row, and don't give up on it or forget about it until you have cashed your rebate check.

Now, as if I didn't have enough to hate about rebates. Check this out. I fill out rebates at work from time to time for my boss. I've worked at a major technology retailer in their customer service department previously, so I know very well how rebates work. Well, I recently had the pleasure of coming across this delightful little tidbit from that very same retailer that used to employ me:



Note the requirement in bold at the top of the form, and I quote, "Must of purchased StompSoft...to receive your $30 rebate"

Must of? Must of? They're kidding, right? Those of you who have followed my postings thus far "must of" known I would go crazy over this. I mean, don't you think between the retailer, the rebate clearinghouse, the printer, the software company for whom the rebate was offered somebody would have said, "Must of? Oh, no, no, you mean either must've or must have. Must of is just plain silly!" But no.

And that's not the last of it! Note the area where the customer is supposed to enter their phone number. Yeah, apparently we're starting to use this new eleven digit phone number format. See, it's the same as dialing long distance, "1" plus the area code, plus the number. Oh yeah, and you have to train yourself to get that new phone number rhythm down, "One-three-two, one-five-five, five-one-two-three-four" instead of 1-321-555-1234. It'll screw you up every time you try, but your kids'll be used to it. They'll be rattling of their eleven digit phone numbers in that offbeat rhythm so fast it'll make you sick.

Anyways, that's my rant about rebates. Either don't do them or do them, but just make sure you either don't do them or do them, ok?